It’s my favorite color, but sometimes I feel like I’m betraying my gender by buying pink things. Pink phones, pink kitchen utensils, pink bed sheets… if it comes in pink, I’ll take one please. Meanwhile, women are fighting against things being marketed to women by the usage of color and gender stereotypes. 

But really, I shouldn’t feel bad that I am buying something I like. It’s the same thing with my personal decision to stay at home once I have a child — if I’m able to do so, it is my personal decision. I shouldn’t feel bad that I have made a personal decision to do something, and yet there are women out there who just turn their nose up at you once you utter those words. 

The thing is, I fight for a woman’s right to choose, be it to have an abortion, give birth to sextuplets, become a stay-at-home mom, or become a powerful CEO of some company. Do what you want with your life, and I will do what I want with mine. It makes me sad when feminists look down on women who just want to do the opposite — they are able to choose to do so, and it’s not decided for them, so celebrate that!

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD, YOU SLUTTY SLUT. WHAT’S THE PROBLEM TODAY? YOU WANT A SLUTTY MAMMOGRAM TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT YOU’VE GOT SLUTTY BREAST CANCER?

JUST KIDDING, OF COURSE. YOU’RE HERE FOR AN ABORTION BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES IT’S MATHEMATICALLY PROVEN THAT LESS THAN FIVE PERCENT OF OUR TOTAL PROCEDURES ARE ABORTION, EVERYONE STILL BELIEVES THAT ALL WE DO IS GET RID OF YOU AND YOUR ARMY OF HIPPIE BOYFRIENDS’ SLUTTY MISTAKES, YOU BIG OLD SLUT, YOU.

SLUTEVER, AM I RIGHT? TAKE A SEAT OVER THERE AND WE’LL SEND SOMEONE OUT TO DO A PROVOCATIVE SEX DANCE BEFORE WE GIVE YOU SOME NUDIE MAGS AND NIPPLE TASSELS. I HOPE YOU DON’T HAVE ANY LEGITIMATE HEALTH ISSUES BECAUSE THAT WOULD RUIN OUR NONSTOP SLUT PARTY.

NEXT, PLEASE.